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Tuesday, December 11, 2012



So here I am. My current place in life less than optimal. While I don’t seek perfection, I do seek improvement; growth. Over the span of my life, I have fluxed in regards to self improvement. As I have recently discussed, spiritually I feel I have made some leaps and bounds. In terms of a healthy lifestyle not so much.

My strongest point in life to becoming more active and physically healthy was soon after I ended up in the hospital. There I was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes. Before I had ended up at that point, though, I had worried that the path I was heading down would lead to my death. I specifically told myself that if I got over a certain weight I would get sick, and end up in the hospital, if not die. It was like I was self prophesying; continuing with the same activities that eventually lead me to that very result.

After my stint in the hospital I took a couple weeks to assess things, learning what I could about diabetes, and then I began taking the necessary steps to living a healthier lifestyle. That is the point I would like to get back to. I know I can, but the maintaining of that lifestyle is what worries me. Too easily, I fall back to my old ways. The habit of eating junk and blowing off exercise. There is always an excuse.

“I will just take a break for a few days, I will get back on track after that,” or “If I exercise it won’t matter if I stop for some fast food.” While, both of those statements could theoretically be true, I never get back on track and the frequency I pick up a quick meal increases. Eventually, I am back where I started.

Dead man walking.

So one of my goals is to eventually revert back to the lifestyle I briefly adapted to after checking out of the hospital. Eating healthier and exercising regularly. Another is to begin writing again, a goal I currently reached and am maintaining. Along with writing I am now getting out and meeting new people. Getting myself out of my comfort zone. I may lack some standard social skills, but in time I feel confident I will develop them more. I wish to meet positive, healthy people (subjective, I know); people that will encourage and strengthen the aspirations I have set for myself. I seem on the right path with that so far.

At one time, all of those goals were viewed as extremely difficult. Being generally a recluse and dealing with an extensive writer’s block, they seemed unachievable. Now a new set of challenges slowly shift and rotate taking their places.

Some of these include:

  • Maintaining a healthier lifestyle
  • Making money via my hobbies
  • Going back to school
  • Getting a new job
  • Publishing a piece of work

There are more, but we will start there.

Healthy living was already touched on some, so moving on.

I believe the goal of making money with my hobbies will be one of the first accomplishments of the bunch. I’ve done it before, am good at it, love it, and would love to get back into it. There are a few hangups with selling that I have, due to my own personal “collector” mentality, but they should be manageable. I have a handful of friends who get on me about avoiding this facet of my dreams. I love them for it, but it has to annoy the living piss out of them. Procrastination and excuses abound! This doesn’t exactly include writing, but it could. If I happen to sell some of my writing then two things are knocked off my list at once. I can live with that.

Going back to school is questionable for me. I honestly don’t know if I want to go back. I’ve been torn on that for so long. The issues about money and being in debt are still real to me, and it is something I want to avoid. Another thing that scares me is I feel completely incapable of being able to learn/re-learn the most simple of things. I fear I won’t grasp what is presented to me. People say once you get back into it that it’s like riding a bike. I remain skeptical.

Another huge factor is my sleeping habits which are less than optimal for attempting to attend college, do homework, projects, finals, etc etc. This would likely be one of the greatest challenges for me to overcome. The dedication to changing my sleeping patterns and studying. I love to be awake and I get distracted quite easily.

None of this includes the simple fact that I don’t know what I would want to major in. Generals could be taken, and that would suffice for a time. What then? I’ve wanted to be a writer my whole life, and when my job easily allowed for me to put forth the effort into making that a possibility I squandered it. Now the slight shift in management with my job has put me in a worse position. Yet, despite this, I began writing and if nothing else maybe I can take some individual writing classes offered at a local tech. I will expound upon this another time, perhaps.

Getting a new job. That one is a pain in the ass. I have this issue with working any kind of standard 9-5 style job. Overnights, while optimal because of my sleeping schedule, ruins pretty much all semblance of a social life (something I have been expanding exponentially this past year). My old job paid for my place, plus cut a check bi-weekly. Now I am at about half of that with the new management company, so like it or not I have to pick up the slack! Suck it up, bite the bullet, and do what needs to be done.

But I don’t want to.

Yeah, that one is going to be a fucken bitch, and sadly should be at the top of the list; as of 2 months ago. I realize this all makes me out to seem like a lazy putz, but just being honest. There is a good chance I am a lazy putz. It is part of why I am attempting a new direction.

However I come across, the goals remain the same and the steps to achieving some of them already made. Now I just have to keep on trekking! Into the great unknown... but not really. It is all familiar territory, just some long lost.

With new beginnings things can get a little hectic and scary. I will admit that a lot of times I want to retreat back into the dark; into the deep. But I have promises of myself to keep, and miles to go before I sleep.

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