PREFACE: This blog was written some two months ago, and was only partly finished. Instead of picking up where I was while in the moment of writing it, I thought I would break it into two parts. This should explain the time lapse.
In the beginning...
...Is what the title would be if I were to be starting there. Alas, I am not. We are starting with the “Now.” If I am lucky, that is potentially the middle. Unless my fears of dying at 32 (one of about 3 foretold ages) become a reality. At this time, I am hoping my early days of conspiracy theories and end-of-the-world obsessions are what fueled that magical number. If not, I have roughly 3 months to live. If it is a combination of both? Well then we all have roughly 3 months to live. Sounds fair.
Perhaps this is a good place to delve into right from the get-go. Something random and neurotic. The overbearing feeling that I am going to mutha-fucken die. As mentioned, I felt the age of 32 would be one of those possible time frames. The others, while I have written them down somewhere, are a little more cloudy. 36 or 46 and 42 or 48 I believe they were. Basically, my 40’s are shaping up to be a rough period. I don’t feel the result would be in the form of an accident (though there is one scene of that type I see now and again in my mind, which I take as a possible writing piece), but more from health. I don’t feel I have been up-keeping my health as I should, and it may catch up to me. This is something I have been attempting to change in slow increments, over the years.
In fact, another blog or vlog I wish to create will be based around this. If I have the courage to go through with it, that is. If I do happen to commit to it I will be sure to share. I think it would keep me dedicated and on track, knowing others may be keeping tabs.
For the longest time I was all into the end-of-the-world business. I do think that contributes to a large chunk of my belief of dying at the age of 32. It may also be the reason why I haven’t ever fully gone "full steam ahead" on any of my ideas or projects. This was, sadly, confirmed by a friend who made comment about the topic.
With my creativity, there are deeper resistances. If there is one thing I know, it is that I am an underachiever. Maybe it was imagined, but I also felt the pressure of, being the oldest child and first to graduate from school, moving on to college. Be successful. I felt it was an expectation people held of me. Sure, I was decent in school, but where I grew up it seemed our education came up a bit short compared to others in preparing one for college. This is just my perception. Many (I’d like to believe) went on to various colleges and were successful in their fields. I was not one of them. I did a few months in computer programming until living conditions, and lack of a vehicle, put the kibosh on that. Did it have to? Nope, I could have sucked it up and used public transportation or asked for help. I guess I felt my foray into computer programming was complete.
That or I was unmotivated and lazy. More on that another time.
Eventually I became jaded about college. It was too expensive, you will be in debt for years, etc etc. While these are semi legitimate claims, there was likely more to it. It is kind of sad to admit that any belief of a possible “end-of-days” was in-part responsible, but I would be lying if saying it wasn’t.
So what was I planning on just in case the world wasn’t going to end? Not a damn thing. I wasn’t necessarily counting on it happening, but more so that I was just able to use it as an excuse to do nothing. Nothing at all.
To Be Continued...