For a moment there, I was thinking I was about to slip away from this resurgence of writing that I’ve recently acquired. Re-acquired. This would be a shame. I’ve so many things I wish to discuss! So many more random tangents to go on. So much more... rambling.
The last week and a half has been a bit of an inner struggle. A variety of opposing emotions tugging and pulling me in different directions; fighting for dominance over which will ultimately dictate the path I will take.
While things have seem to have steadied out, and calmed–the forces of “good” coming out on top–I can still feel it bubbling inside. The negativity and urges to allow myself to relapse into a state of being from yesteryear. Relapse back into a state I’ve worked so hard to avoid; worked so hard to transcend.
- Walking Contradiction -
One fear I have, in the time I spend attempting to reach a goal of mine–to help simultaneously express myself and allow myself (and possibly others) to learn who I am as it is constantly a work in progress–that I will lose sight of the beliefs I explain/express. That I will do what almost happened this past week and relapse into my old self, old habits, and in turn self-sabotage my own progress.
I understand that relapsing is sometimes part of the process, but I feel with certain aspects of my life, where it is currently at, that a relapse would be too damaging. There is also the underlying worry of feeling like a hypocrite. A contradiction. I go into length about my beliefs dealing with connections and relationships; Love and Fear. I would hate to think any of my previous expressions being compromised by future actions, or the reverse.
What I come away with, though, is the constant desire to just be blunt, honest, and upfront (is that redundant?). What I would like to think as authentic. I am human, I am far from perfect, and I will have struggles like everyone else on their journeys. I will have setbacks, and how I handle those obstacles is what will determine where my path leads.
If others decide that something I say or do, comprises whatever “message(s)” that I attempt to get out into the world, then so be it. I can’t control that aspect. Also, the remembrance that this all is, ultimately, for me. To be honest, that point blurs a lot of the time and I figure it will all follow a natural, organic progression as it should. Because, while I wish to write solely for myself, I can’t deny the fact that I hope, in some way, it will touch another. Even if just one other soul out there swimming in the lifestream. Perhaps it’s already happened.
- Inadequate Me -
Over the past few months, I have made a lot of new friends both online and off. A majority were met from a handful of write-ins during a writing event (program?) called NaNoWriMo. I’ve mentioned it before, and during this period of time in November I not only made myself get out of my comfort zone by attending the NaNoWriMo events, but began writing again. During this course I eventually came to meet a wide variety of people and, like what usually happens, I settled in with a group.
It helped, originally, having a mutual friend associated with some within this group. This friend was the one who kept encouraging (or threatening...) me to participate. It is very possible that without that nudging (or again.. violent assaulting), I would have never joined and given it a shot. I appreciate her commitment and owe her a ton of thanks! Just don’t tell her that (she will get a big head... and then walking down halls will be an issue... going through doorways a huge pain... etc. etc.)
During NaNoWriMo, I had some insecurities abound dealing with my writing (of course) having been so long, and completely out of practice. Those insecurities I could manage decently. What happened, though, was as I began to grow closer to the individuals of this group I began to think of them as potential new friends. With NaNoWriMo, a lot of times people get together through Nov to encourage one another with their writing, but once December comes they kind of drift apart. This was a factor I wasn’t completely willing to accept. In fact, I felt it could be fairly damaging to suddenly lose said support and companionship so soon.
This is where PSEUDO WARS originated from. Those fears, questions and inability to accept the possible inevitable. As luck would have it, the majority of the group decided on continual interaction beyond NaNoWriMo.
Time went on. Bonds and connections increased, and from among them a Wildcard. Something unexpected for me, which complicated things, but in a very good way.
Somewhere deep inside, though, that brewing of doubt. The more time I spent with my new friends, the more I felt completely inadequate. Feeling like I brought absolutely nothing to the table. Many of them are vastly more educated and are incredibly more comfortable in their own skin than I, and have little issue in becoming engaged in conversation.
I am more prone to just sit and observe. I feel like I'm the guy that says something stupid (like a catchphrase or two) randomly and maybe gets a few laughs, but then it's back to observation mode. Beyond that, I don’t feel like I offer much. Don’t get me wrong, I value humor and believe it is important, but the caliber of knowledge I seem to lack is frustrating.
Yet, they seemed to want me around and valued my company; something, I myself, seemed to have an issue with. I couldn’t (can’t) accept it, I didn’t (don’t) feel worthy. This is naturally a self love/confidence issue and I’ve mentioned the process I am undergoing to improve it.
A week and a half ago, though, it all seemed to come to a head. Finally the negativity was let loose and free to take control, albeit momentarily; thankfully momentarily. Those who are familiar with what I am talking about know that a moment is all that is needed. All that is needed for these emotions, left uncheck, to completely turn your world upside down.
I wanted to shut myself out from the world completely. Cancel all social interactions, online social interactions, everything. This would have been reminiscent of what I did six years ago (going on seven) when I moved and told no one, but immediate family, of my whereabouts, or how to contact me. All of my friends were cut off. Some found me thanks to family leaking information–Bastards–so, I was forced to confront them and tell them I would seek them out when ready, if ever.
Years went by, and various steps taken in spiritual endeavors, before I felt ready to reconnect with them. This is where the I believe bonds of time made this scenario even possible. Some could have told me to fuck off, they had every right to, but no one did.
With this new group of people, though, I felt that wouldn’t be the case. The bonds/connections too new, and time too short. If they were to be cut off, that would likely be the end of our roles in one anothers lives.
This is where I felt like a contradictory hypocrite, after talking about making connections and wanting to take the time to build/strengthen them. Now, I didn’t not want that. I wanted that very much. I just felt completely unworthy. Easier to save them the trouble of having to unload me, and I could avoid facing the rejection.
It is an odd feeling when you are going through the motions of disconnecting from everyone and self-sabotaging yourself, yet still being fully aware of what you are doing. Being aware of it and knowing you don’t want to go down that path. It is like you aren’t completely in control. There is that part constantly pushing you to take the steps it feels is necessary to protect itself.
Being aware, and reaching out to someone I felt would understand, is what helped the most. That and a lot of sleep. In the end, I was able to curb that primal desire of seclusion that reared itself, once again, unbeknown to most of the group. Most anyone, really. As the week progressed I felt it bubbling (as I still can even now), wanting to break free again. Waiting for a moment I am weak where it can dominate my course of action. To make itself safe from fear of rejection. Fear of life, fear of love.
Thankfully, that’s not what I truly want. It is that factor, along with awareness and support, that will sooth the negative stirrings within. Until I can completely dispatch them, that is.
- This Bridge Will Only Take You There, -
In 2006 I moved into my current apartment, accepting a job as a Resident Manager. As most apartments are, when you first move into them, it was empty. This was in exception to some odd bagged things I was told was associated with the railroad (which was where the previous tenant had worked) and some magnets I found in the cupboard.
There were seven of them–my favorite (unfortunately, not lucky) number–each displaying their own word. The “There” had a comma, which I thought was interesting. That sentence was what I made, and has remained on my fridge ever since. I was a bit taken aback, because the sentence itself seemed to sum up my belief about fate.
“Fate will only bring you up to a point, and then you have to make your choice.” I would say many times, when explaining my beliefs.
Suddenly, here was this random set of magnets summing that up for me. It was like... wait for it... fate. How could I not go there, seriously?
The belief is simply this:
That in life, you will continually be presented with a multitude of moments; important moments. These moments of fate, are not necessarily predetermined, but are part of our life makeup. A lot of these moments are what we are specifically asking for, or need, to learn and progress.
Fate will only bring you up to a point, and then you have to make your choice. (*Sigh* see?) Now, life is basically all about choices. Broken down, I believe they are fundamentally choices of Love or Fear. My reactions I described above, revolved solely around Fear.
What I have come to find, though, is that once crossing the bridge to the moment of making your choice, is that there are millions of paths you may take. Both equally in Love and Fear. Some of these paths eventually bring you to a new bridge, while some bring you full circle back to the same. Once crossing it again, you make another choice; the hope being that you’ve learned from the last path you’ve taken and eventually have overcome fear and negativity. Otherwise, you will find yourself crossing the same bridge over and over, until doing so.
I don’t think I can fully explain it, but in my head I see it as though having a similar (but more intricate) pattern to the Flower of Life:
The are an infinite number of the these points–these bridges–for us to continually cross to learn and grow.
I thought I had left this current bridge far behind in my spiritual dust, but it seems I had been mistaken. I feel I have learned from the previous path, and felt I made a much stronger, wiser decision, and I can only hope I don’t find myself crossing it again.
As it were, though, only time will tell.
*Flower of Life image is from world-mysteries.com