(An A to Z 2013 Challenge Entry)
*SPOILER ALERT: There is a Season 1 : Episode 1 Game of Thrones spoiler within. I couldn't find a way to make a Spoiler Button, so if yet to either read the first book or watch the first season, be warned!*
So, I’ve spoken about the two most recent fiction projects I’m attempting to tackle; one an adult-focused gritty sci-fi/post-apocalyptic story, the other a fantasy/adventure fanfict.
Before moving on to another fantasy/adventure project in the works, I thought we would go to a lighter, fluffier place. Cute, playful, and...
Who am I kidding? Today’s subject is a dark and vile thing. Darkness and terror lurks within. Within the inner workings of Jed’s most deadly assassin...
The Belly of the Beast
...Crookshanks, or Crooks for short.
There he is, in all his self-proclaimed splendor! Taking over whatever piece of property he deems fit. Fit? Pffft. I guess one of those earlier descriptions was accurate: fluffy. Except he isn’t fluffy, he’s downright fat! He doesn’t allow me to call him that, though. He finds it insulting, so I call him robust or rotund. For some reason he’s okay with this, either being unfamiliar with the word, or... yeah... just stupid. He doesn’t allow stupid either, though. He prefers Obtuse.
Did I mention he is a cow cat? Befitting...
Me: “Crooks, you’re so damned rotund... you need to go on a diet. You can’t even lick your balls anymore!”
Crooks: “Neither can you, Dipnugget.”
Me: … … “Touché...”
Yeah, he is rude and vulgar.
Crooks was birthed from hellspawn itself. His mother was one disturbed, extremely OCD-bound whack job of a cat. I should have known from the beginning to stay away. He played the “adorable” card, though, and I’ve a bleeding heart. So I took him in, along with his sister.
A lot of people assume I named him Crookshanks based on Harry Potter. That would make sense, especially being I am a fan of the movies (though I’ve only seen up to the 6th and yet to read the books...), but they’re mistaken. He gets his name from the fact that his tail has a kink in it. At first I thought it had been stepped on or slammed in a door, but it wasn’t. It’s natural, a birth defect.
Thus Crookshanks was born! I think it was at conception that Jed got to him... I’ve yet to uncover any definitive proof of this. If he’s going to kill me, he’s taking his sweet time. Luckily I have no staircases he can trip me down. I‘m slightly concerned he will eventually go all “urban legend” on me and suck my breath away while I’m sleeping — or would that be an “Old Wives Tale”? Either way, he does have a nightly ritual he follows when I go to bed.
As it stands, I don’t sleep a whole hell of a lot, and his kinked tail seems to render him incapable of any major feat of physical prowess. Poor little sneaky, deceitful bastard. I should have known there was evil in him when he kept trying to sleep with his sister... I mean, who does that? Seriously?
A Cat’s Tale Tail or A Cat’s Tail Tale
I know one of those were chosen to be the title of this book (but now both look plausible); the book I am being forced to write, by Crooks, against my will. He demanded I write a children’s book starring himself as the leading character. The terms were quite simple: No depictions of him in a negative/evil light, no use of the words fat or stupid, and he receives 100% royalties. He plans to use the book to promote a false sense of lovability and comfort around the world. A world which I have come to believe he wishes to one day dominate.
I’m going along with his devious plot, if for no other reason than survival. He can have his wickedly deceptive, embellished, cartoony “memoir” of his liking. The world may become fooled by his cutesy antics and his cow-like pallet of fur, but I know the truth. I know what his true intentions are. In time, I will bring that truth to light, and his reign of terror will remain nothing more than a catnip pipe dream in his mind.
Crooks & I
This was (is?) to be a video series of our interactions. Crooks isn’t very technology savvy, and so I thought I would use this to my advantage. Unbeknownst to him, I plan to document how he treats me and reveal to the world his true nature. All the vulgarity, evil, and abusive brutality I must endure; always being trapped under his paw of oppression.
It would be vastly different than the children’s book I’ve been tasked to write. Very much an “R” rated presentation of his (our) life. With the magic of the interwebs I should be able to make the documentations easily accessible to the world. Eventually he would be stopped.
I can’t jump the gun, though. While his ideas may be extreme and lofty, he is but a kitten in a dog park. Or maybe... a petting zoo... because something more sinister, watching from the shadows, is pulling the strings. The mountain goat Jedidiah. dun Dun DUN! I know this with all my being, and through Crooks I will destroy my arch nemesis!
So let’s just wait and see what transpires. I’m patient and have a decently high tolerance threshold for sacrificing my needs when it comes to uncovering truth and delivering justice.
Hmm... A Cat’s Tale Tail or A Cat’s Tail Tale? Any authors (or aspiring authors) of children books out there? How big of a challenge do you think it would be to publish both children books and adult fiction? Have any pets that you think are plotting to kill you?