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Wednesday, April 3, 2013



(An A to Z 2013 Challenge Entry)
*SPOILER ALERT: There is a Season 1 : Episode 1 Game of Thrones spoiler within. I couldn't find a way to make a Spoiler Button, so if yet to either read the first book or watch the first season, be warned!*

So, I’ve spoken about the two most recent fiction projects I’m attempting to tackle; one an adult-focused gritty sci-fi/post-apocalyptic story, the other a fantasy/adventure fanfict.

Before moving on to another fantasy/adventure project in the works, I thought we would go to a lighter, fluffier place. Cute, playful, and...

Who am I kidding? Today’s subject is a dark and vile thing. Darkness and terror lurks within. Within the inner workings of Jed’s most deadly assassin...

The Belly of the Beast

...Crookshanks, or Crooks for short.

There he is, in all his self-proclaimed splendor! Taking over whatever piece of property he deems fit. Fit? Pffft. I guess one of those earlier descriptions was accurate: fluffy. Except he isn’t fluffy, he’s downright fat! He doesn’t allow me to call him that, though. He finds it insulting, so I call him robust or rotund. For some reason he’s okay with this, either being unfamiliar with the word, or... yeah... just stupid. He doesn’t allow stupid either, though. He prefers Obtuse.

Did I mention he is a cow cat? Befitting...
Me: “Crooks, you’re so damned rotund... you need to go on a diet. You can’t even lick your balls anymore!”

Crooks: “Neither can you, Dipnugget.”

Me: … … “Touché...”
Yeah, he is rude and vulgar.

Crooks was birthed from hellspawn itself. His mother was one disturbed, extremely OCD-bound whack job of a cat. I should have known from the beginning to stay away. He played the “adorable” card, though, and I’ve a bleeding heart. So I took him in, along with his sister.

A lot of people assume I named him Crookshanks based on Harry Potter. That would make sense, especially being I am a fan of the movies (though I’ve only seen up to the 6th and yet to read the books...), but they’re mistaken. He gets his name from the fact that his tail has a kink in it. At first I thought it had been stepped on or slammed in a door, but it wasn’t. It’s natural, a birth defect.

Thus Crookshanks was born! I think it was at conception that Jed got to him... I’ve yet to uncover any definitive proof of this. If he’s going to kill me, he’s taking his sweet time. Luckily I have no staircases he can trip me down. I‘m slightly concerned he will eventually go all “urban legend” on me and suck my breath away while I’m sleeping — or would that be an “Old Wives Tale”? Either way, he does have a nightly ritual he follows when I go to bed.

As it stands, I don’t sleep a whole hell of a lot, and his kinked tail seems to render him incapable of any major feat of physical prowess. Poor little sneaky, deceitful bastard. I should have known there was evil in him when he kept trying to sleep with his sister... I mean, who does that? Seriously?

Uh... I can explain...
A Cat’s Tale Tail or A Cat’s Tail Tale

I know one of those were chosen to be the title of this book (but now both look plausible); the book I am being forced to write, by Crooks, against my will. He demanded I write a children’s book starring himself as the leading character. The terms were quite simple: No depictions of him in a negative/evil light, no use of the words fat or stupid, and he receives 100% royalties. He plans to use the book to promote a false sense of lovability and comfort around the world. A world which I have come to believe he wishes to one day dominate.

I’m going along with his devious plot, if for no other reason than survival. He can have his wickedly deceptive, embellished, cartoony “memoir” of his liking. The world may become fooled by his cutesy antics and his cow-like pallet of fur, but I know the truth. I know what his true intentions are. In time, I will bring that truth to light, and his reign of terror will remain nothing more than a catnip pipe dream in his mind.

Crooks & I

This was (is?) to be a video series of our interactions. Crooks isn’t very technology savvy, and so I thought I would use this to my advantage. Unbeknownst to him, I plan to document how he treats me and reveal to the world his true nature. All the vulgarity, evil, and abusive brutality I must endure; always being trapped under his paw of oppression.

It would be vastly different than the children’s book I’ve been tasked to write. Very much an “R” rated presentation of his (our) life. With the magic of the interwebs I should be able to make the documentations easily accessible to the world. Eventually he would be stopped.

I can’t jump the gun, though. While his ideas may be extreme and lofty, he is but a kitten in a dog park. Or maybe... a petting zoo... because something more sinister, watching from the shadows, is pulling the strings. The mountain goat Jedidiah. dun Dun DUN! I know this with all my being, and through Crooks I will destroy my arch nemesis!

So let’s just wait and see what transpires. I’m patient and have a decently high tolerance threshold for sacrificing my needs when it comes to uncovering truth and delivering justice.

Hmm... A Cat’s Tale Tail or A Cat’s Tail Tale? Any authors (or aspiring authors) of children books out there? How big of a challenge do you think it would be to publish both children books and adult fiction? Have any pets that you think are plotting to kill you?


  1. I loved Game of Thrones, I only watched the first season but I read all the books that have been published yet.

    Just make funny drawings of your cat to humiliate him in the book, but tell him kids love that, he will be looovvedd...

  2. Weeeeiiiird...my cat has a kink in his tail as well...dun dun DUN!

  3. I don't think it would be THAT big of a challenge. After all, Suzanne Collins wrote episodes of Little Bear (which is for preschoolers)and a series of kid's books, "Clifford's Puppy Days," and also wrote the extremely violent Hunger Games books. If you're worried, you could always use a different pen name for the kid's stuff. Happy writing!

    As far as I know, I don't have any pets that are plotting my demise. I do, however, have a small dog that tries to do great bodily harm to any person or other pet who tries to touch me while she is near. Does that count?

  4. I had a cat with a crook in one of his hind legs. I think it made him capable of incredible leaps.

    I don't have actual pets, but I have mysterious air swimming and breathing eels in my basement. I don't know who put them there or why, but they can't exist for any good-natured reasons.

  5. One night he will sleep on your face, thus suffocating you, I can see it in his eyes!

    You should put mittens on him, just because it would be funny. Furthermore, humiliate him with funny drawings of him in the kids book, and then tell him that kids love those and he will be very popular...ha eejit!

    good luck out there soldier.

    1. also game of thrones, read all the books...it is good it is good

    2. Very sweet! I have the first, but yet to begin it. I've seen both seasons of the HBO series, however :) So far I like it a lot. Can only imagine the books being better.

  6. Unless it is in a barn catching mice, I have no idea why people would want to own a cat. (I'm guessing that might be a bit controversial here? Sorry.) There seems to be so many rude cats out there. Although, yours is good with a comeback. :)

  7. First of all, your intro intrigues me as I tend to have darkness lurking inside me that comes out in my fiction. I look forward to reading your writing!

    Also, for the question you asked... I know a friend who publishes children's book and she also publishes adult fiction. I know nothing about children's books, but perhaps she would be a good contact to have? She's published a few of both. She's also mentioned in my "C" entry this week and the link to her Facebook page is in the entry. It's Jax Goss. You can tell her I sent you if you want to pick her brain. She's a very cool person.


  8. Oh and yes, pets plotting to kill me... My KiKi Monster (aka Miss Kitty) is always attacking and biting me in my sleep.

    And my Great Dane likes knocking me in the head with her heavy head and stepping on me every chance she can get!

  9. @Usagi - Is it female? Even if not... perhaps we should arrange a blind date for them lol

    @Jessica - I've read the Hunger Games, but had no idea she also had written children's stories. Interesting. I'd likely have pen names... because, well... that would be more my style I think. That is a very viable option for me. As for your dog? Sounds like a Guardian :) I'd think it makes the love life a bit awkward, but you sound plenty safe lol I think I saw similar dog reactions on the Dog Whisperer show once.

    @Tesla - Maybe Crooks is a descendant. I am curious about these floating eels... Is that why your hair is always so frizzy with static and need your hat?

    @Poke - Ack I hope not! lol oddly in the story there is a kitten named mittens... perhaps in the story I will make Crooks wear some. It does get cold here! I'd like that very much.

    @In the coop - Awww not a cat lover? Yeah, Crooks is a punk with an attitude. His comment was pretty timid compared to his usual insults.

    @Kristen - Thank you! I hope you enjoy it and always like honest critique/discussions/thoughts. With A to Z I don't know if I will get much work out this month. I am uncertain of Camp NaNo too :(

    I appreciate the recommendation for the contact. I think I'd be a whee bit too shy to try. More so being that I've not ever actually published anything. Who knows, though, I will be heading over to your blog a bit later this evening and we will see what transpires! Can't lie... Jax is a cool name lol

    Sounds like KiKi and your dog are tag teaming their attempts to snuff you out! Better be careful :)

  10. Cool cat, love the humor, bye for now.

  11. Jak, this was awesome. LOVED it. Thanks for the laugh!! :)

  12. Ha ha, that was great. Anything to do with kitties has my attention :)

    But really, even two years after something was aired, we still have to give spoiler alerts? Don't you think it's the person's own darn fault if they haven't seen it by now? And this comes from a person who JUST watched season 1 over Easter weekend :) I loved it, which is why I made a marathon of it. Next stop, season two!

  13. @Andy lol indeed! Don't mess with him :)

    @Rch Thanks man, catch you around soon!

    @Tamara - Ack, I keep wanting to write Karen lol cause it is first on the handle. No problem anytime. I'll be here all night! But not really! ... Okay, really :(

    @Kianwi - Today was wrought with kitty tales! As for the spoiler, I just really hate spoilers and the thought of ruining something for someone I thought it best to place it up. I hope to begin the 3rd season as soon as I can catch em somewhere online or on Mondays when visiting family :) Let me know what you think of S2!

  14. Jak.. How dare you. Frizzy hair.. I might as well be a cow. For the record, I don't remember how the cow thing came up in conversation, I just remember shouting HOW DARE YOOUU and no one understanding my reference

    1. Hahaha To be honest, I have no idea if you ever have frizzy hair often, just that you needed your hat! Tj made the cow comment, that bastard! So remember that when he attempts to act all sweet and coy :)

      Crooks, however, is totally a cow cat!


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