(An A to Z 2013 Challenge Entry)
“When I speak I cross my fingers
Will you know you've been deceived?
I find a need to be the demon
A demon cannot be hurt”
Demon lore, and the fascination surrounding it, has existed for centuries and spans across multiple — if not all — cultures; each having their own take on the subject. I’ve never studied demonology, short of some online meanderings, but the topic intrigues me greatly. Do demons really exist? Are they denizens of hell, fallen angels? Extra/interdimensional beings?
Everyone has their own opinion, every religion their own belief. Naturally, I can’t speak for everyone. So I will speak to you on different fronts about demons and the various correlations they have with me. A tale of obsession, A tale of lust, and perhaps a tale of truth and discovery...
Demons of Twilight
Demons of Twilight is the working title of my first Fantasy/Adventure novel; a work in progress. It may be confusing attempting to explain its origins, but I will try.
My main body of work in progress is an expansive Fantasy Adventure epic/saga. In my mind, it expands of the course of three trilogies, and has multiple break-offs from it. I believe part of my 12 year writer’s block spawned from the sheer overwhelming intimidation this created. I struggled and have multiple outlines and many of the events worked down, but it just seemed to be too much. I was trying to start too big.
Everyone told me this, and it annoyed me. Why was it too big? I resolved in my mind that they felt it just wasn’t feasible, or accomplishable. That annoyed me even more. It was the story in me — pulsing and throbbing — the story I wanted to tell. The story I had to tell. Have to tell.
Over time, I conceded to the thought that it was too big of a project to focus on. One of the main factors leading up to this was reading about how publishers/editors would sometimes ask writers to completely change and/or remove characters — main or minor — to fit whatever mold they feel will market best. That is still a fear instilled today.
So I had a plan: Start small, with short stories and/or a stand alone novel. Hopefully get lucky and garnish a following, and gather enough pull to where I’d have control over my writing. Enough to where I could tell X person(s) wanting to change my art to fuck off. Or, I could self-publish. I won’t get into all of that, but it should give some understanding of my thinking at the time. How I still think.
A stand alone novel won out, because — as if it weren’t obvious — brevity is not my strong suit. This is where Demons of Twilight came into conception. The novel would be completely unassociated with the main trilogies. Up to that point, any piece of work I created became associated with the saga. And I have to admit, for a good while, this standalone stood apart from it for a long time.
Then I began writing the prologue and... wait a second... what the hell is this character doing here? He belongs in the trilogies, not here. He is intruding! Get the bloody hell out of here! But, he wasn’t budging, and he had brought along friends. Soon multiple characters from my main saga were present within this standalone. Insisting they belonged. That the book took place in their world, and that its main character was connected to them.
Then the standalone became a trilogy all on its own; a standalone trilogy connected to the other three. I stopped trying to fight its connection to my planned saga, but eventually — like all the rest — it was shelved in the bookcase titled: Writer’s Block.
This triple trilogy was somehow infecting, or rather absorbing, any other pieces of work I’d try to breathe life into. Demons of Twilight fought back, though. It is the best way to describe it. It instilled within the saga an element that wasn’t present: demons.
Now demons are a rampant element not only in the three trilogies, but almost all my other pieces of work. Even modern day projects — the only writing capable of avoiding being sucked into the main trilogies. So I feel the saga characters were correct. Demons of Twilight, and all within, were connected to them. The implementation of the standalone’s demon element fleshed out various storylines existing within it.
All of it was shelved, though. Until this past November’s 2012 NaNoWriMo that is. The standalone trilogy surged forth, once again, and whispered to me its sweet nothings. I know some of the specific reasons why, but it's tied into another topic to be discussed later. So, while I haven’t touched the first book since November, it is officially in progress and will be revisited soon.
What is Love, if You Don’t Hurt Me?
(I debated posting up a disclaimer given I was going to talk about sex briefly, and I am aware there is no age restriction to participate in the A to Z challenge, but I plan to be pretty non-graphic. If a Co-Host could tell me otherwise, if stumbling across this, that would be great)
A departure from my writing association with demons. Once upon a time, I was dating a girl who was incredibly sweet, but suffered from depression. This depression was deepened by the constant barrage of her parents asking her to come home. She was from out of state, but that is a story all on its own. Let’s focus.
There were moments that were great — as there usually is — but eventually the depression got worse. The inability to get a job really sent her spiraling. But, again, there were good times even during this period. It ebbed and flowed.
One night, when making love, our sexual encounter held a nugget of surprise... at least for me. During this specific session my ex became very aggressive, taking control. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love aggressive women. It’s a turn on, but this was a bit different. She overtook me and began having her way with me; placing the palm of her hand on my face, turning my head to the side, and then proceeding to push down.
Now, hmm... I’ve seen this in porn. It usually consists of the males doing it to the women and it's a complete turnoff for me. This, however — I’m not going to lie — kind of excited me. You have to understand this was a fairly timid and shy girl. Any kind of actual sexual aggression was not the norm, and this was extreme in comparison. The pressing down hard on the side of my face, choking, and... the grunting?
So this grunting wasn’t normal. It was guttural, deep and animalistic. It literally reminded me of movies portraying demonic possession. I went along with it, I didn’t have much choice. When finished, and we were laying next to one another, I expressed my surprise with her aggressiveness, but also assuring her it was okay.
That was when she said she felt like she was possessed and that during the act she had the strong desire to hurt me — bad — possibly even kill me; that she didn’t feel completely in control.
Soooooooo... that ruined the moment for me, because she wasn’t joking and poking fun, she was serious. At that point, she went to sleep and I went about calling a co-worker and family member expressing concern for them to call and check up on me periodically. I didn’t give them exact details at first. Hell, I didn’t know if anyone would have believed me; she was a sweet, shy girl.
I then did a little bit of that online researching I spoke about above. There were some sites describing a lot of the recent events going on, and some directly citing some of the specific mannerisms she displayed. But, its the internet, ya know? All I was doing was freaking myself the fuck out. Thankfully, regardless of it being hot within the moment, no similar event took place ever again.
Eventually we broke up and she went back home. The described event had nothing to do with the break up, but rather it was just the course of things. From what I’ve learned, she is more active in church and is doing really, really good now; I’m extremely happy for her!
Saved by the Word Count
Two of three tales shared. That should suffice for now, as this entry is becoming quite long. Sure it’s a lame excuse, but the next tale goes to an even darker place. A place that is hard for me to journey to.
The story involves another kind of demon. The kind the lives within, which we struggle with — sometimes daily — until we gain the courage to stand up and face it. I feel I’ve slowly gained the courage to face this one, and I really want to finally share it. This whole blogging journal is meant to be therapeutic afterall. For me. And to share myself, but this isn’t daisies and rainbows.
So this demon will have an entry all to itself. If I can get myself to write about it. That is the plan, though.
But no promises, and definitely no pinky swears.
Have you ever had an obsession? If so, what? Ever have a creative project that was so intimidating you couldn’t work on it? How did you overcome it? Ever experience a writer’s block? How real are my fears about being told to change my writing when attempting to be published? Do you believe in demons?