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Tuesday, May 7, 2013

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BEDiM 2013 : DAY 7

(A Blog Every Day in May 2013 Challenge Entry)

Still truckin’ along after finally getting two hours of sleep this morning. Okay, make that four as I just woke up from a 2 hour on/off nap. Yes, I only wrote one sentence before passing out. Rackin’ in those Zzz’s yo! Let’s take a gander at today’s writing prompt:

Day 7, Tuesday: The thing(s) you're most afraid of

Hmm... well, I definitely am not afraid of losing sleep. However, I’m afraid of passing out one of these times on my late night outings. I already have the desire to sleep when in a car (like a leftover relaxation effect from when I was an infant), and the lack of sleep really solidifies my body’s attempt to make it happen.

What else...

Fraught with the Freaky Deaky

I believe I share some of the standard fears many people have: Heights, clowns (you know do too), bees/wasps, etc. I don’t necessarily fear these things from afar, but close up is no good. Like spiders and bugs, I can be pretty passive about — where some freak out just at the sight of them — unless they are on me.

I guess I’m afraid of June Bugs, though. Those suckers are creepy and I’ve had a personal battle with one that almost left my newly purchased laptop in ruins. I can already feel the fear welling up... June is almost here...

Once I used to love sharks, but after Jaws and many shark shows/documentaries, that love turned to fear. So much so that I’m not sure I’d feel comfortable going out in the ocean ever. I can look out over the ocean from the safety of a beach or plane, but that’s close enough.

There are many little things I’m afraid of, but I can’t think of any one thing that is odd and bizarre that would be worth sharing. One of my “heavy hitters” is one that most every individual faces at some point in their life. Whether in their job/career, passions, family, relationships — or any other multitude of fitting settings — it can rear it’s ugly face.

“My Fault, my failure, is not in the passions I have, but in my lack of control of them.”
-Jack Kerouac

My one greatest fear is that of failure. This fear plagues my life from the simple mundane day to day tasks, to the unknown possibilities of the future. This is a factor in my ever present anxiety over new experiences. That whatever this new thing is, I will somehow fail at it. Some examples of the day to day would be:

Trying a new gas station. Are their pumps set up the same as the ones I’m accustomed to using? If not, am I going to be standing outside at the pump looking like an idiot?

Driving anywhere new. Just afraid of getting lost and stranded somewhere, especially if low on gas being the above fear has stopped me from refilling HA! This fear is one of the easiest to override. Most fears associated with going somewhere new involve the actual experience waiting for me at said destination.

These type of things seem silly — even to me — but they are real.

Then there are the things I am afraid of failing at on a larger scale:

Failure of my passions. This would involve my writing, first and foremost. That I won’t ever get around to actually writing the stories in my head. They will remain locked up, imprisoned and left to rot — to be forgotten — in the darkest recess of my mind.

Associated with this is the failure to accurately tell/share said stories. Will I be able to articulate all the things I see in my imagination? Enough so that others see what I do? I understand this isn’t always  the reality when it comes to writing. In fact, A lot of my writing — I think I’ve found — leaves a lot of room for interpretation, so that the reader can “fill-in-the-blank” with their own imagination. I find it to be an important aspect; to not completely overly define/describe anything and everything.

Then I fear I can’t describe things even on a simplistic level...

What if I do get it all out? What if, by chance, I do become published and my work is out there for the world to see? What if the world rejects it? While I don’t want to write for money — though, to be paid for doing so wouldn’t be brushed off — I do hope it reaches some sort of audience. That there will be some that will be touched by my story.

This directly conflicts with my struggle to accept that I’m writing for myself. If nothing more than to just get out the overabundance of ideas assaulting my creative vein. I can’t control who likes my writing, subject manner, plot/story,  or my odd, disjointed sense of communication. But yet, I fear it. It may be irrational, as I’m unfamiliar with any piece of work everyone simultaneous hates on a unanimous level, but I do.

I believe I’ve spoken about it before, but I seem to associate my getting published with making people proud. That I’ve actually amounted to something. I know, and tell myself on occasion, that friends and family are proud of me regardless of my accomplishments. So, I suppose I directly link it to my own self worth. That — to me — becoming published will signify to myself that I am indeed not a failure. As mentioned, though, I would then be attributing arbitrary factors (people liking my work) to represent my success.

So all of this tumbles around in my mind, day in and day out, as I try to quell the fears enough to just get my foot in the door. Past that point, rather, because it is in the door. I consider the blogging and fiction pieces I have up representation of that. But, this fear of failure is constantly attempting to crush my foot in the door. Applying pressure at exponential rates, to make quick work of me. Make an amputee of me, before my nonchalant take on Diabetes does. They are involved in a neck-to-neck race.

But Also

I have a deep-rooted fear of success.

OMN & FML

Do you happen to share any of the same fears as me? If so, which?

22 comments:

  1. I share a few of your fears...failure, of my passions, june bugs, and clowns. I've been trying not to beat myself up over the fact that writing hasn't happened since April ended. At the same time, I know that I cannot afford to let too much time go by or I truly will lose my momentum. Good post. Wishing you luck in sticking with your dream and having the courage to follow through. :)

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    1. Well, Its only been a week and that isn't so bad, but I know what you mean about losing that momentum. Suddenly it just never picks back up. Thanks for the luck! I will need it :)

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  2. June Bugs are the worst...and it's almost time for them...
    I think everyone is afraid of failure....and clowns....
    Some fears surface from what ever triggers a panic attacks...meeting new people...driving new places....I can even relate to the gas station scenario...should I even try it? what if the whole process is different and I can't figure it out? LOL...

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    1. Yeah I recall you had anxiety 500x worse than what I have now. I really really dislike June Bugs :( I can't wait until my Florida friends happen upon them... or rather, get smacked in the face by one.

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  3. You know I have a fear of failure. I also fear crowds and large groups of people. I am afraid of being alone. Not because I fear being single, not because I don't like myself, but because I am human and at our roots are social creatures. I feel disconnected and off kilter. That is not good for me. So, yes alone is scary for me, but somehow manageable.

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    1. IT is important to be social, and yet be okay alone. Alone in a crowded room isn't so good. Once feeling truly at peace with yourself the rest will begin to fall into place.

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  4. I used to share the failure with my passions like you do, in particular, the fear of how people interpret my art. I used to worry about *how* my art may get displayed/hung inside another's home. That they wouldn't hang it right. Will that fear was met...head on, when a former co-worker bought a piece and then hung it entirely in a way I never would. And then it hit me in the face head on...it's okay if another person interprets my art differently. The most important aspect is that it moved them. It moved them enough to encourage their own interpretations. I did my job. I guess that is why my fear isn't one of failure anymore, it's one of being unaccomplished... I see a difference, maybe you will too.

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    1. Yeah, in the end how someone interprets something you create is completely out of your control. Yeah I guess I closely link failure and unaccomplished.

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  5. I can totally understand failure of passion. What if I am not good enough in what I do...what if people don't get it?

    Also why are so many people scared of clowns, we should apply for government funding and do some research...

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  6. I used to have similar fears. Basically, doing any silly, little thing in which I just may look like an idiot got me very nervous.
    Now, I embrace my inner idiot. I've found that when I do, people don't think less of me. They don't see me as an idiot. Mostly because people are so busy, they don't actually spend nearly as much time thinking about me as I thought they did. :)

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    1. I try to embrace my "inner" idiot lol It would be a shame anyone thought of another as an idiot, in general. Too many think they are superior in various ways. Ego and all.

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  7. Unlike the general public, I have no fear of clowns. I totally relate to the fear of failure of passion though.

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    1. You are one of the few! You will have to be in the case study.

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  8. We share a couple of fears. I too am afraid to drive into unfamiliar territory. I think this is due to the fact that I am a landmark person and when I am the one driving, I can't take in the landmarks. I hate the unfamiliar when I am the one behind the wheel!

    I too fear my writing, though it has gotten a lot better over time. The fear of failure and the fear of success are pretty equal.

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    1. I am more of a landmark driver too. Actually, I seem to go on autopilot many times. I will just zone out and then I suddenly pay attention, and while I have like a day dream after affect, I am still correctly on course. Still a bizarre feeling.

      Getting lost in new places is enjoyable with friends, though :)

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  9. Also Minneapolis's carnivoris squirrels scare me!

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    1. Indeed! You and me both. Unless I can tame, train, and build an army of them!

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  10. Quite honestly, I think a lot of people fear success. Not that they don't want it, but that there is something in them that sabotages them. What is it? I don't know. I know that I have alternated all over on writing success. The fear of people reading it, the fear of running out of ideas with people expecting me to come up with more, the fear of changes to my life, so on and so forth. You know, I watched Jaws for the first time the night before going to the ocean with friends as a kid. I got chased by a baby nurse shark that very day--it beached itself chasing me, not once, but twice. I'm glad I went back in after that, or I fear I never would have been able to go back.

    Shannon at The Warrior Muse

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    1. I've noticed some of your posts with the insecurities writing group, but I've not yet really looked into it. Just read whatever postings you've placed up. That "fear to come up with more" is a huge factor with my fear of success.

      If I were to write and publish something, it would be 12 years in the making lol That time frame wouldn't be 1/1000000th of a fraction realistic for the next output. Then I am assuming deadlines are given and what happens if they are not met exactly? I have no idea!

      Wow, if I had been chased around by a shark it would have been double Game Over! You are brave :)

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  11. I'm sorry, but the gas pump one made me smile :) I think to overcome that fear, you should go to ten new gas stations all in the same day and only get a couple of dollars worth of gas at each place :)

    I wish you weren't so worried about failure. You have talent, and you clearly have the ability to write on a regular basis, as you've done with the blog. Like you said, you can't help if people like your stuff or not, but I think you need to focus more on your accomplishments, rather than what you feel you aren't doing! Otherwise there will always be one more thing you have to do before you'll feel successful.

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    1. Oh it's okay, you can laugh at the gas pump one. I do, because I feel it is ridiculous. Actually, I did exactly that one day. While doing it, it wasn't so bad really. Each pump was relatively the same, but once I hit the 5th (I went to put 2$ at five stations) I was called into the store.

      I guess having stopped at so many stations my card was flagged and so I had to go in to talk to the cashier or whatever. I would have thought that would have made me very anxiety bound, but it didn't. I don't completely understand it all really. I will have to go into it more sometime :)

      I view blog writing a lot differently than fiction writing, though. My blog I don't care (too) much about sentence structure. I view it as me talking, and I attempt to retain most of my "voice" when possible, regardless of how some may be bothered by it. Not really my concern.

      With fiction, however, I want to be very meticulous with grammar, sentence structure, word use, etc. My fiction blog I'm using as rough draft, so even then I leave some room for error.

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