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Thursday, May 15, 2014

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SAYING GOODBYE


*Static*

Hello…? Is there anybody out there…?

*Slaps laptop… static continues*

Testing… 1… 2… 5…

*The static fades some, but there still remains frequent moments of clarity failure when it resumes its fevered pitch*


NOTE: I started writing this post in Dec 2013. It was meant to be written well before that, and has since undergone many changes in its development. Originally it was meant as a misleading, emotional post where I pretended to be seemingly fed up with blogging and saying my final goodbyes, but then I merely say goodbye to my hair (which I had just gotten cut at the time) and an old belt that broke (and eventually due to timing, my car). There was then a rough patch where I thought it would possibly represent the departure from a relationship. Eventually I did stop blogging, and cut myself off from a handful of relationships, so the tone went from playful to very personally emotional.

I had planned for this to be my final post for The Cryton Chronicles — in its current form — and in a way it may retain that denotation. At least in terms of personal blog posts. I plan to continue posting trailers and participate in blog hops, in the meantime. I will highlight where I picked this entry back up to complete it with a *** marking.

It’s been well over a month since I’ve last written anything. The day before Thanksgiving 2013, to be precise, though technically I was still working on my NaNo pieces around that time too. NaNoWriMo 2013 was a failure overall in my mind. Sure, people may say that since I actually wrote 15k words (or possibly 20k since I stopped updating towards the end) it was a success. In that, they wouldn’t be wrong. The writing of any words, especially in my case, is an achievement one shouldn’t scoff at. Though the more pretentious, holier-than-thou types may.

Fuck ‘em. Pricks.

It isn’t so much the word count (and definitely not the reaching of the 50k word count goal) that registers this past NaNo as a failure with me. More so, the breakdown of the original NaNo group, consisting of members I met in 2012 — which greatly helped in the encouragement of writing during the challenge. The odds are, had I not met all of those individuals and created friendships with them (which waxed and waned over the past year), I wouldn’t have come close to reaching my goal. Perhaps I would have skipped NaNo altogether, as I had in the years past.

I may have never began blogging or dabbling again in fiction writing, resulting in a block being allowed to continue it’s twelve year reign of terror, frustration, and depression. Despair. It’s hard to explain the feelings derived from undergoing an experience like writer’s block — an experience many claim is mythical and impossible. It wasn’t (isn’t) make-believe to me.

But NaNo 2012 did happen, said people were met and became loosely connected to my life from that day forward. I did reach 50k words. I did begin blogging. So far that burning urge to continually put words to page still exists, even if I haven’t written at a capacity I had planned for the past eight months. Chances Hopes are that it never completely fades, but to it hadn’t during the twelve year block, so it stands to reason it wouldn’t now.

Coming out of NaNo 2012 I felt more vibrant and empowered, a bit more confident in my writing, regardless of how wretched I thought my 50k were. The first few months into the new year were full of various meet ups and gatherings (some writing based, others not), which was a desire expressed by many of the NaNo group.

Then time passed, and as it passed, so too did the honeymoon phase. It may have been felt more on my end. As is natural in most social circles, couples inevitably drift and bond closer to other couples, while singles are left, more or less, out of the loop. Then couples get married and/or have children, bringing them even closer to those couples in similar life stages. Being a single male and all, I felt I identified less and less with others in the group. Feeling as though I had no real place among them, being inched out little by little. Whether real or imagined, it seemed the path taken and choices made by a handful of those within the group solidified that feeling.

Anyways, I feel myself getting off track, as I’m so oft to do…

***

NaNoWriMo 2013 was different. There were hardly any gatherings, and the majority that were made were canceled. There wasn’t much encouragement among friends. Sure, I could have attended write-ins and met an entirely new group of people, maybe creating similar friendships as I did back in 2012, but that’s not what I wanted. If I were to meet new friends, it would be while spending quality time with my original writing group.

No dice.

Needless to say, by the end of NaNo 2013 I felt pretty much on my own. This lead me to follow through the process of making that my reality.

It can be really hard to differentiate intuitive feelings from worries and fears stemming from assumptions rooted in insecurities. Sometimes incredibly hard, and I’ve expressed some of my close calls in the past — of disconnecting from loved ones and the world at large — when I wrote more frequently about my personal experiences; when I wasn’t strictly posting trailers or for blog hops.

But I felt I was following my intuition and went through the process of disconnecting from almost the entire NaNo 2012 group, deleting over half of my Facebook contacts (though, oddly I left everyone on my GChat. To be fair, I rarely use it), and deciding to take a hiatus from blogging. Slowly some people have resurfaced in my life, but it’s been on a case by case basis.

During my hiatus, I focused my time elsewhere, but if I had to be honest, never budgeting it optimally. Time management is an area I lack in, unfortunately.

I eventually found my way back to blogging via the A to Z Challenge this year, as some of you know, but already find myself behind as usual; a factor contributing to my hiatus. While I may be back for the blog hops, I feel my time here will be brief. This doesn’t necessarily mean I will be done with blogging and/or writing, but that it may not be done here. Time will tell, but I will likely give more information about this departure at the appropriate moment; when more certain of my plans.

So, this is essentially my “goodbye” post. To my hair, belt, my car, friends — old and new (online and irl) — but thankfully not my current relationship. Though, admittedly, as readers begin to connect who is who, feeling I have the freedom to discuss various aspects of my relationship(s), whether positive or negative, becomes much narrower.

In case it’s never been said enough, I just want to thank each and every one of you that has ever taken the time to stop by and read my ramblings here at The Cryton Chronicles! You all are awesome, and if I happen to make an attempt at pastures that may not exactly be greener, but newer, I will be sure to let you know.

I pinky swear.

I will end this entry with a brief poem I wrote during NaNo 2013:

Remember, remember
The 9th of November
Thinking themselves sly
They cast forth that fateful die

Regardless of thoughts or deliberation
Soon the time will be at hand
For all to bear witness in anticipation
Exactly how that die shall land



Have you ever had moments where you wanted to completely disconnect from the people in your life and/or the world? If so, have you ever stopped yourself from following through with it? How? How did you re-associate with those you disconnected from, if at all? Have you ever wanted to move somewhere and attempt to completely restart your life? Have you ever transitioned to a new blog or website host? If so, what were/have been the pros and cons?

14 comments:

  1. Holy crap, how did I miss all of your A to Z posts????? I feel bad now. Anyways, I know how you feel when it seems like you're slowly being pushed out from a circle you once felt a part of. It sucks and hurts.

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    1. Don't feel bad! I'm still working on catching up on people's A to Z lists! It takes me ages. Did you partake this year? For some reason it seemed many people I met last year decided against participating this year :(

      And indeed.

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  2. (just for the record)
    "…Have you ever had moments where you wanted to completely disconnect from the people in your life and/or the world? If so, have you ever stopped yourself from following through with it? How? How did you re-associate with those you disconnected from, if at all? Have you ever wanted to move somewhere and attempt to completely restart your life?"
    in the domain of the Wakefield Doctrine (no!, not that domain)… what you are describing is safely labeled a defining characteristic of the clarklike (Outsider) worldview experience/life. It is, unfortunately something that we clarks go through, again and again and a-fuckin-gain…really not a fun time.
    and no, the Doctrine has nothing to change that… resolve/logic/need/desire to get away. The one thing the Doctrine does have, that no other personality theory-thing has, is the understanding among clarks of the event… the repetitive nature of this part of our reality and the totally toxic nature of (the experience).

    Just thought I'd mention that.

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    1. I believe I already knew that :-) I've become more accustomed to identifying the build up of these actions and thought processes, but not so much the reversing of them all the time. There were more instances like the described above, where I was able to stop myself from reaching the point I eventually got to here.

      I can't deny it isn't something I've had to experience many times in my lifetime. Sometimes the frequency is extremely close together (which is naturally more prone to lead to this outcome), but if lucky they are far in-between.

      Thanks for stopping by Clark! From the few comments I've read so far, I think some people are believing I'm going to stop altogether, which isn't the overall grand scheme of things.

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  3. Oh my nuts. I've up and moved to start a new life lots of times. It's not a bad thing. There are a very select few people who are to be in your life forever. Most are there for a much shorter time. It's ok. It can be good even. You can't learn and grow if you never meet new people.
    It has been lovely to get to know you over the year, and I look forward to seeing what you end up doing next.

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    1. Hmm interesting. I always just imagine you as having lived at the farmhouse, playing your various pseudo Olympics with your family, for centur... decad... years... *cough* barricaded behind a wall of 10" grass.

      Though, I suppose now Buttercup is pretty proactive with the mowing, since Lizzi keeps dropping the ball on her yard duties.

      I love meeting new people, to an extent I should say lol, and it's true not everyone (if many at all, as you mentioned), but it can still be very painful when people drift out of your life. Not that it has to be painful, just that it is to me, hence the eventual knee jerk reaction of attempting to protect myself.

      I have enjoyed getting to know you (and your family by proximity) as well! We will see what I come up with next... may be same ol same ol... may be something completely different... I honestly don't know.

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  4. I'll miss reading your posts, but the world will still continue to spin. If you don't want to blog, you don't have to. If you don't want to write, you don't have to do that either! It's okay! I swear! I think it's funny that you seem to feel very strongly that you owe all of us something, and that it's something you seem to feel inadequate to provide. You are always questioning yourself, putting pressure on yourself, and you apologize an awful lot. You don't need to apologize for living your life. You should feel free to go out and try lots of different things. Play games, write stories or poems or songs, paint, drive racecars, make babies, whatever! If you feel compelled to share your experiences, then do! If not, that's fine too. Maybe the things I am saying are far easier said than done. But, I know that your blogging has been an outlet. It has been fun to watch you open up a bit and see your growth. I will miss your posts. They can be damn funny. But, don't feel like you owe anything to me or anyone else. You don't.

    Have I ever wanted to disconnect from people, move away, start a new life somewhere else? All the time. I wouldn't start completely over in the sense that I would want my husband and children with me. But, I have wanted to escape my community, my job, even my extended family. I have thought seriously about it many times. But, I have never gone through with it. I do tend to believe that the grass isn't actually greener on the other side. There will always be bumps in the road. Running away will not change that. If I actually did take my family and leave, I would still be dealing with issues, but I wouldn't have my support system. I'd be on my own.

    Good luck, Jak! Enjoy life. No regrets.

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    Replies
    1. Don't worry, Jessica! You won't be rid of me completely just yet! As for some your message, I really really do want to blog and write, which is what fuels a lot of the bipolarism love/hate of it all. I know you've mentioned it a few times, but technically, I feel like I owe it to myself to write about myself, my personal experiences, because that is why I began this blog to begin with. It's not so much I feel I owe it to others to provide that material.

      What I feel I owe others, more so, is the returned favor of being able to take the time to visit and read their words, experiences, stories, etc etc. I feel it's etiquette of the Blogosphere. I don't do it solely because I feel I'm obligated, I was just generalizing, but because I want to read and follow along. I just really suck at it.

      But, yes, I am always pressuring and doubting myself. :-( Most of these things stem from various aspects of my personal life, naturally. Some of it has just been my way of life, period.

      As for trying lots of different things... I do enjoy the practice of making babies... Hmm.. Ha!

      I do plan to share more of my thoughts, opinions, experiences, but am figuring out the best method or format for doing so. I always have too many idea and am all hot-to-trot for a period of time, but then it just fades and it's on to the next thing. Something I've struggled with most of my adult life.

      You definitely seem to have a very strong support system currently in your life. Even with your last road trip and project you are working on, everyone is on board and very understanding and encouraging of it. That is amazing. This isn't to say I have a very lacking support system, but I don't think it reaches those same levels.

      The leaving and starting over, on my end, may very well be a solo act. The reasons of which would be too long to go into lol

      I love your visits and hope you continue to do so in the interim. I always value your thoughts and opinions and all the advice and encouragement you offer!

      Delete
    2. Well, I am happy to know that you aren't vanishing completely. I read the piece you posted on your other blog. It gave me the creeps! LOL. So, well done!

      You said:
      "Even with your last road trip and project you are working on, everyone is on board and very understanding and encouraging of it."

      Man, do I have everybody fooled. LOL. Seriously, it was a huge burden for me to go on that trip. Not that it wasn't worth it, but I paid some consequences for deciding to go and do that. It hasn't been all smooth sailing like I tend to portray it. I guess I feel like people don't want to hear the negative stuff. Well, that and I try to watch what I tell the internet. Things do tend to come back to bite me now and then. I have support and encouragement to a certain degree. After that, I just have to decide if I am willing to fight for my own dreams and goals. That's really how it is. :)

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    3. Sooooooo uhhhhh... yeah...

      I am very Thankful you read the piece I posted. I believe it was called... *attempting to remember without cheating, oh shit I bet it's above in this post lmao don't cheat... Don't CHEAT!*

      ...

      Was it for the Letter Q? Unaccepted? Unwanted! I am going with Unwanted...

      Fuuuuuuuuuck... Unclaimed! (WAY better than Unwanted. I'm a genius) I wasn't sure if I was detailed enough or whatever in that piece, but in the end I was okay with it

      Anyhow, Thank you for reading and commenting about it, Jessica. It means a lot. It's been rough to get people interested in reading any of my fiction. I may have taken that as a sign to let it go lmao BUT alas it's November and I am involved in NaNoWriMo once again! Huzzah!

      I am really glad your trip was worthwhile! I can't imagine how it wouldn't have been. It was very important to you. I'd say you can always vent to me, but my presence in the Blogosphere has been miiiiighty limited as of late. Hopefully, those said consequences haven't been too harsh and damning, because I always hope, in the end, that you find your dreams and goals are worth fighting for!

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  5. Replies
    1. But no one puts Baby in the corner... not even Baby...

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  6. "Have you ever had moments where you wanted to completely disconnect from the people in your life and/or the world?"

    I have. I do. But, like all good things, it comes in and goes out like a tide.

    We circle the same streets.

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    1. It definitely comes and goes out like the tide, my friend.

      See you on the path.

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