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Friday, May 24, 2013


BEDiM 2013 : DAY 24

(A Blog Every Day in May 2013 Challenge Entry)

Ah, fresh off a list of incredible life lessons learned outside the classroom, and I feel hot to trot; on top of the world. I really liked writing that post. I began on a serious note, and had more serious lessons lined up, but then I just slipped right into the absurd. It felt great. I feel great! Nothing can bring me down!

Today’s prompt:

Day 24, Friday: Your top 3 worst traits.

Fuck me...

The Worst of Me

This lady is seriously killing me. The demand for so many pictures and the bipolar up and down — back and forth — of positive to negative topics.

This topic is kind of loaded, because there is potentially so much about myself I could view in a negative light. I may need a little help from my friends...

1. I live in a state of Denial (Which allows me to live in a state of Awesomeness).

Thanks “friends” for your contribution... seriously. I live in a state of denial. I placed the additional part to spruce it up some. Perhaps I can work this short list backwards, the opposite of yesterdays list. From funny to serious.

Where to touch on this, I’m not sure. I feel it could be true in some sense. I think we all live in some state of denial in one way or another.

Perhaps thinking that I’m not Diabetic, when in fact — after months/years of neglecting my health — it is very possible that I am. I feel this is a good example. Even with my newly acquired workout regimen, it is likely my bad habits have already done their dirty work; damage done. I can feel the damage. And how do I deal with these factors? I ignore them. I avoid doctors. I refuse medication.

I honestly believe I got this, yet simultaneously feel I am doomed. It’s pretty nifty. Guess I feel being I overcame it once before, I can again. But what if I squandered too much time after I stopped maintaining my health?

Hence believing damage done.

2. I allow my Social Anxiety power over myself.

I’ve already touched on this subject a handful of times. My social anxiety interferes with most facets of my life. Family, friends, work, business, pleasure; it knows no bounds. If any situation is new and unfamiliar, my SA rears it’s ugly face and takes over.

I have made fairly decent progress over the years, but it still seems to be a consistent issue. Once it’s overcome, I feel my life will change drastically. Mostly for the better. In an odd way, I do think it keeps me from engaging in less than favorable activities. An odd counterbalance of sorts.

3. I am a Coward.

Not sure I know exactly how to explain this, and I can’t recall if I’ve brought it up before. During my spiritual journey of self-discovery, I felt I uncovered a handful of lessons I was to learn in life. One was being more forgiving/learning forgiveness. Not just learning it, but managing and balancing it. The balancing aspect is an ongoing endeavor.

Stating I am a Coward doesn’t exactly seem a lesson, but perhaps finding Courage would be more accurate? Again, I’m not sure how to articulate it, but I felt like it was something I had to overcome.

I feel there are many times in my life I’ve failed to act, whether to help someone or help myself. When I think of Cowardice, though, I feel it revolves more along the lines of helping others. I see someone in trouble, or know someone is in a bad place, and I just ignore it. This isn’t just on a stranger level, but with people I know personally, if not intimately.

This may have a role to play in the White Knight Syndrome. The desire to help people, even when most times you can’t technically “save” them, especially from themselves. There are some specific instances that may have induced trauma, which also factor into my belief that this is a trait I have and must overcome.

I’ve struggled with this, internally, for some time. There are certainly instances where I have been courageous, times I’ve helped someone (both stranger and loved one), but there are some situations that seize me. I become semi-petrified in a Fear-Locke (I am spelling Locke that way due to my love of LOST). When this happens I can’t move. I want to, but I become so afraid that I can’t do anything. My mind races, and the urge to act surges, and I just... sit there; immobile. It is frustrating and maddening. Soon I fall into a state of... ambivalence? Indifference? Where I just ignore the situation/occurrence, only to be later haunted by my inaction and “what if” scenarios.

I would have to touch on that more specifically as it’s own topic to flesh it out more, but hopefully it gives a small glimpse into what I mean when calling myself a Coward.

So kudos to this Jennifer host for really knowing how to fuck with your head during this challenge Kudos indeed.

Any thoughts or feelings about my listed traits? Do you have any undesirable traits you’d like to share? Misery loves company...


  1. I hear ya on social anxiety. I just get super quiet around people I don't know. And yes, we all live in denial about something. I think denial and survival are best friends. You do what ya gotta do, even if it's not the best decision to make.

    1. Hmm I don't think I've ever come across your "quiet" mode >.> Interesting haha.

      It would be nice if Denial wasn't a good friend, though :(

    2. Hahaha. What can I say, it felt natural to talk around you.

  2. Jak, I think we're all in a state of denial about one thing or a million. Social anxiety is tough...sorry you have it. Have it to a degree myself but have gotten over most of it now that I'm older. About being a coward, wow I won't touch that one because it just isn't nice. I'm just sorry that you see yourself that way.

    Undesirable traits to share? Only a million lol. Let's see. I tend to be too forgiving. I know weird sounding maybe but I am getting better at it. Used to take way too much shit from people and keep going back for more. Still have work to do there.

    Have poor judgement in choosing romantic partners. Usually if they'd be bad for me, I'm right on it!

    Can be a tad bad tempered. Not like throw things at someone's head or get violent, but definitely can lose my cool. Although it takes a lot to get me there usually, once I do...heaven help the victim...I mean recipient of said wrath. ;)

    I think that I let fear of failure keep me from trying sometimes.

    My way of trying to defend myself from being hurt is quite often pretending that I don't care and even trying to convince myself that I don't care about something/someone. Not doing that anymore though because I realized not long ago that I lived a lot of years in a state of faux numbness, which became real after a while. Not good!

    Well, I'm sure I could go on and on but I have enough already. Yep, I'm also a member of the screwed up club lol. :)

    1. I agree more on a "million" level lol How did you overcome the anxiety? Did it just naturally alleviate?

      Well, feel free to discuss the "coward" part if liking. I will try to touch on it more in another post. It's kind of hard to explain briefly.

      ACK you have a million too? Not weird at all. That is what I was explaining above. I had went from never being forgiving to being too forgiving, but am now learning that balance.

      I believe most of us have that "partner" selection issue, Tracy. Not sure why that is, but it's definitely a common trait/habit people seem to have. Eventually you (we) will find a fitting partner. It usually happens when you aren't looking, as cliche as that sounds.

      Hmm I wouldn't have guessed the temper!

      We share the fear of failure, as well. It's something I'm still constantly working on.

      Going that route of pretending not to care always back fires. You can't help who you are. I don't think I've ever reached that "numb" zone, thankfully. I just pretend, but it only lasts for a brief time. I'd hate if it were to become real :(

      Welcome to the club! *high five* lol

  3. denial...i was big on denial in regards to my health, ut once i faced it I got a lot better health-wise, I am still a bit crappy but nothing i can't handle :D

    social anxiety I hear ya, as long as I could get everything done via email conversations I would lead a very happy life indeed. I am a bit of a coward as well but it sort of has to do with the social anxiety, I am trying to challenge myself but I rather just sit huddled in a corner somewhere.

    1. Yeah, that condition worries me, but you seem to have a grasp of it. You've been living with it for a long time now.

      How do you challenge yourself with the social anxiety?

  4. You're a coward.. That's y u didn't help me huh huh? I am so upset at this. I thought you were SuperHoodMan.... I'm disappointed. But I'll live in denial about it...
    Seriously though denial is a hotel where I live part time. Social anxiety in certain situations is a burden I carry around and I'm as coward as they come.

    1. I am! I ran away remember? lmao I am so glad, however, that you can live int he denial stage and I will still seem a superhero to you! Now to get the rest on board with that :)

      Sounds like we are in the same boat for many of our traits.

  5. I'm so pleased I read this today! All three points struck a chord with me, but mostly the denial. This week, I painted a 3.5 x 3 metre mural on the wall of a bar that was re-launching on Friday night. It wasn't good. In fact, it was very, very bad - so much so that I am now in hiding, which is as good an excuse as any to miss a launch party.
    Still, at least I am no longer in denial of my artistic limitations! ;-)

    1. *hug* Kirsten!! Wish I had gotten to this earlier, I don't think I've seen a post from you in ages, BUT so many get lost in my feed now.

      How did you get the commission to do the bar or what is the story behind that? Why do you feel it was so bad? I really want to see it >.>

      I wish you didn't have to miss the launch party :(

    2. Hey Jak. I've been having a blogging break but should be back to normal in June.
      I got the commission from a former colleague who recently bought into a bar. They were re-launching and, because I make paintings, she thought it would be good to get me to do a mural for one of their walls for the grand re-opening. The design looked pretty good on paper but it didn't translate well to a wall - mostly because there just wasn't time to get all the details in.
      I'm ok about it now. Just a bit embarrassed. It's all a good learning experience though, so no big deal. :-)

  6. Argh! I somehow deleted my entire, perfectly composed comment.
    Short of it, my biggest weakness is over-confidence. Sometimes I just know I'm right and don't bother looking at the issue from anyone else's perspective. Wouldn't be a problem if I was afraid of confrontation, but alas, I'm not.
    Denial and I are good friends, though. I haven't stepped foot in a doctor's office in 18 months, despite the fact I'm supposed to get blood work done every year. And, my mom and grandma have had cancer, but I haven't even talked to a doctor about my risks. Yes, Denial and I are tight.

    1. GAH! What did you do?! I await your blog length comments!

      I'm not going to lie... I maybe see that whole confidence thing (you only always talk about it!) being overdone ;-) I will say, however, it is important to step into someone else's shoes; see things from their perspective. Sometimes things aren't so black/white.

      Do you have a bad temper? >.>

      I would get on your case about getting to the Dr, but that would be pretty hypocritical of me...

      So you really should make that Dr appointment. Your entire family is already so accident prone they will be needing you around a long time to help them out. Besides you can't let something take you down before you do it yourself!

      Hopefully you don't follow down the same path genetically :( *hug*

  7. I hate my bipolar, my bpd, my ADD, my anxiety, my shame, my guilt, and all my short term memory loss. Some days I wish I could wake uoban it would all be gone. I sometimes wonder who I would be without all that. I wonder if I would be happy or if I would be more like a lobotomy patient and feel like something is missing. Some days I am glad I went through all that to get to who I am today and I am very proud of myself for being a warrior that survived my own internal war in my mind. I now appreciate the little things so much more than I used to. I can now feel the good and happy in my life and I know how lucky I am.

    1. It's hard not to wonder what or who you would be if you didn't have this ailment or that hangup. To wonder where you would be if completely healthy.

      None of us are completely 100% healthy, and thinking/worrying about the various "what if" possibilities doesn't really play an actively healthy role most times.

      Being proud of who you are and the challenges you are (or have) overcoming is what is key. Little by little you can press forward and appreciate what you have in life with no "what ifs" to bog them down.

  8. I don't think you could find many people who don't practice some sort of denial or other, but ignoring health issues isn't good! Okay sorry for making this such a serious comment, but I honestly think every one of your three traits have to do with anxiety. You don't deal with health issues because of anxiety. You can't deal with social situations because of anxiety. And I don't agree you are a coward...I just think its another manifestation of anxiety. It is so.pervasive and too often we don't even realize all the wats it affects us. I know, because I have anxiety and I take medication for.it. The weird thing is, I didn't realize for the longest time that I even had anxiety, because outwardly I am very calm and laid back. But I do, and taking.medal has changed my.life. Medication doesn't work for everyone, but in my case it did. I know you don't like medal, but I just wanted to give you my.perspective on it. If you have questions, feel free to.email.me :)

    1. I agree about denial... thankfully no one was in denial about being/utilizing denial! lol

      It is very possible many of the traits are connected to my anxiety, which are partially related to past incidents during my childhood. The "Coward" Factor is associated with this, as well, but uncertain to what degree. Likely a large one.

      I've currently been getting some help on this realm, in hope to overcome my anxiety which, as stated, hopefully alleviates the other issues more. I'm pretty anti-med, and view what I have going on more a mind-over-matter ordeal. Time will tell on that. If worse comes to worse, I may have to explore that alternate option.

      I wanted to thank you so much for your comments and caring words! I'm so sorry it took so long to get to reply, and you will likely never see this. If I need to talk some you may just very well be getting an email ;)

      Thank you so much!


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